Striptease

Yeah, We’ve Seen This Ridiculous Business Idea From Zach LaVine (And Other Bulls Bullets)

By Raymond J. Parks

Have you ever seen your friend do something particularly silly?

You know, like putting a whole piece of wasabi in their mouth or doing an impromptu striptease at the bar or allowing another friend to kick them in the groin area? We’re talking about some pretty silly things that may seem funny on the surface but quickly lead you to beg them to stop so they don’t really embarrass themselves.

Yeah, that’s how I feel watching this business proposition from ESPN’s Keyshawn, JWill & Max below:

• Someone should have stopped the social media manager and producer from allowing this to enter the universe. Everything about this trade is simply designed to help LeBron James and the Los Angeles Lakers. Not only would Arturas Karnisovas probably hang up the phone faster than Sonic the Hedgehog literally can’t do anything, but I wouldn’t be too surprised to hear the New York Knicks do the same.

• Yet the deal is particularly ridiculous for the Bulls. Maybe the thought process here is that they at least get something if LaVine asked for a sign and trade, but that something being two contracts the Knicks probably want out of is downright silly. Fournier owes $36.9 million over the next two seasons with a team option for $19.0 million in 2024-25. He averaged just 14.1 points last season, which was his lowest since the 2014-15 campaign. He also shot 38.9% from behind the arc, which is his worst mark since 2018-19.

• As for Julius Randle, he followed an All-Star season with a line of statistics that declined in almost every category. He shot just 41.1% from the field and 30.8% from downtown and turned the ball over more than ever. How much does this man owe over the next few years? Well, Randle signed a four-year, $117 million extension last offseason that goes into effect this upcoming season. So that means the Bulls would be tied to his nearly $30 million AAV through the 2025-26 season.

• I’m not even going to talk about Randle’s form in this transition squad or the fact that the Bulls also seem to be trading a pick in the same deal they lose LaVine. The business proposal isn’t worth my time anymore, but I think it’s another good reminder that a lot weird business ideas are heading our way over the next two months. I suggest picking up meditation. Maybe even download the Calm app (#NotASponsor).

• Is it also a kind of reminder of what the Bulls could have been?

• To be clear, I don’t regret the Jimmy Butler trade or anything yet. So many years have passed, and I don’t believe the previous front office has had as much success with Butler as the Miami Heat. At the same time, Butler’s trade remains an interesting topic as the Bulls could technically lose the best asset they have recovered in this trade this offseason. Indeed, if LaVine walks this summer and Chicago gets next to nothing in return, this trade could officially become a loser for both parties.

• Are we sure it wouldn’t just turn into a boxing match?

• Taking MJ out of the equation, what 1v1 match between a former Bull and a current NBA star would you like to see? Scottie Pippen vs. Kawhi Leonard would probably be beautifully ugly. Two of the best perimeter defenders to ever hit the field, I’m sure it would be a hard fought game. Artis Gilmore vs. Rudy Gobert could be a weirdly exciting and physically demanding matchup. What about Tonk Kukoc against Pascal Siakam? I don’t know why, but this one looks pretty interesting to me. I’m sure there are a lot of fun ideas that I totally miss, so feel free to drop them in the comments.

• Lowkey, football’s overreaction to fouls has actually been super annoying during this playoff.

• He’s not wrong.

• RIP to an NBA legend.

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Raymond J. Parks
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